When I look at you, I (my little self—the place from which I normally operate) form a concept of who you are. I do that through my interpretation of what I receive predominantly from seeing you, hearing you, smelling you, touching you—maybe in some sense tasting you. There may be some gut feel that also informs this concept. When you look at me, you (your little self) forms a concept of who I am. This is a “natural” aspect of little self behavior—it (the little self) has no other way to “know” you. This concept of the other is a constellation of decisions, beliefs, conclusions, etc. that the self has drawn about the other.
I then relate to you through my concept of who you are, and you relate to me through your concept of who I am. We exchange ideas, concepts, pleasantries, etc. between our mutual concepts of each other. We then call this “relating!” But it is my concept of you relating to your concept of me. Is that true relating? Can intimacy between us result from this form of relating? IMHO, the answer is “no” to both questions. Our concepts tend to be fixed with very little change and adaptation to each other. We relate to what we’ve decided each other is as a static concept.
Now, let’s look at another view of relating. From my higher/quantum self, I know you in the moment from all my senses, which are much broader than just the five senses of seeing, hearing, etc. From your higher/quantum self, you know me in the moment from all your senses. We now interact with each other in the moment—each of my responses being formed in the moment in response to who you are and what you’ve expressed in the moment, and each of your responses being formed similarly.
We relate to each other in the moment to who each of us is in the moment. It is open, dynamic, every-changing and highly adaptive. From this higher/quantum self perspective, intimacy is possible, but not when we interact from the little self. What flows between us is a giving and receiving, but not a taking which is what happens when we relate from our little selves.
Coincidentally, this “little self relating” is what leads to needing love from the other, to jealousy, to trying to change the other, and to all the myriad of things that get in the way of lasting, truly intimate relationships.
Now, let’s look at “setting right relationships.” My understanding of this has always been that it means that, in any given relationship, I look at all the ways I’ve wronged the other and all the ways the other has wronged me. We then go through a process of “clearing the air,” forgiveness, releasing the charges you trigger in me and I trigger in you, etc. But this is a little self to little self process. We finish and then my little self and your little self can each feel satisfied that there’s nothing more between us that needs to be dealt with—until the next perceived transgression one of us commits against the other. Then we go through the process all over again.
Again, IMHO this is not setting right our relationship—because we’re not in a true relationship. Rather, my concept of you is in some kind of “relationship” with your concept of me. As discussed above, a true relationship between us is when my higher self interacts in the moment with your higher self, and vice versa. When we relate from our higher selves, there is nothing to clear the air about, nothing to forgive, no charges to release.
Thus, in this view, setting right my relationship with you is when we truly relate to each other from our higher/quantum selves—nothing more!
In the next blog, we’ll have much more to say about relationships—and expectations.